Eggs / The New Toilet Paper

$13.99 eggs and wiping with shreds

Top: This undocumented hen smuggled herself into a backyard flock, hoping to go unnoticed—despite her distinctive color. It is reasonable to conclude that this beady-eyed chicken—unable to offer any proof of her innocence—is responsible for the H5N1 bird flu epidemic and the exorbitant price of eggs. Given their genetic weakness—which leaves them vulnerable to the virus—their repulsive diet of worms and their filthy habits, she and her fellow poultry pose a dire threat to traditional America. In collusion with migrant birds, these seemingly benign barnyard avians have fomented fear and forced Industrial Poultry to endure the mess and expense of mass flock exterminations.

Below: Making a quick getaway is Hooligan, a mixed-breed Maine Coon. With origins in a state whose governor was rude to our president, this felonious feline is without a doubt guilty of something heinous. In fact, he was personally responsible for the destruction of a massive amount of toilet paper and was a major cause of the great Covid TP shortage that resulted in consumer panic and various unsanitary repercussions.

How comforting to know whom to blame.