All comments below are so thoughtful and useful. [cf book "The Gift of Fear." I wonder if I have enough of that gift, remembering the young mother who helped the couple whose car had "broken down," and they murdered her.] Also, I am put in mind of traveling in Mexico with my Spanish-speaking Hispanic father 60+ years ago. There were all kinds of people begging; also, selling lottery tickets. We marked both as a measure of real poverty but my dad was especially aware of beggar scams. I was pickpocketed in a similar situation in El Salvador 50 years ago. The world can be a harsh place and hard to discern "reality."
We all have these thoughts so i can only let it go and keep on learning. And often really there is nothing different you could do unless the person is honest.
As you did do would I. But I would also pray with and for her. Should I have money for a bus ride I would have given her that and explained how important it was that I use caution when I was approached.
And I would definitely make certain my doors were locked before talking with her as woman often times have a pimp nearby or another woman to take advantage of the distraction.
If you have uncertainty trust your gut and remove yourself from the situation.
Perhaps we all ought to pray for Godly wisdom and discernment in dealing with this ever increasing situation before we begin our day.
I think you have good instincts, honed through years of travel. You acted with consideration for her immediate welfare, no need to second guess yourself.
There’s a Zadie Smith novel in which a near identical dynamic plays out. It ends unhappily. This may not have been a ruse, but it has all the hallmarks of one. You negotiated boundaries and compassion very well. Your offers were helpful and appropriate. No need to put yourself in harm’s way. Be kind to yourself.
When you have a good heart, you have to trust your gut. Someone mentioned she probably wanted to get to her connection; or maybe she just didn't want the police possibly being involved. When you live on the edge, that is always something to be avoided.
Hey, I have to say this: I think you saved yourself from harm. I've hitchhiked many times in my younger days and was involved in some very close shaves with shady people on the streets, and this woman's story absolutely did not add up. People who actually need help take what they can get. This person is trying to corner you into one very specific action. Whether it's her holding the knife/gun/taser or an accomplice / boyfriend / person controlling her and making her feel like she has no choice in this, their objective was to get her in the car with you and get you to drive that car to a specific location. Once there you would have been trapped on their terms. Terry, you were in a very real way facing possible death, and yes that voice in your head sensed the danger and might have saved your life.
We create bags to hand out that contain a large flip top bottle of spring water, some nutritional bars, some hotel cosmetics and a document I created listing the services offered by Vermont Agency of Human Services ( the info is found at) https://humanservices.vermont.gov/help-and-resources It's a small thing, but I have been warmly thanked by many people when they glance at the contents.
I have done the same thing you did. Went through all the obvious helpful options that did not offer a threat to my safety. But….but….then we are faced with the fact that we are helpless to help the helpless because of the way society is structured to reward the powerful and punish the weak.
I don't think you were likely to be harmed. I just think she needed to get to her "mother"'s house, where she could connect with whatever drug she needed. Should you enable that? This is the reality that we (and "they") live in.
You offered what you felt you could give and she turned you down. Sometimes we can’t give what someone is asking. I think you acted very responsibly, you had a limit she couldn’t accept.
Thanks, i think i was just looking for absolution, reinforcement. I would do the same again, I think, and would again feel conflicted about it. Interestingly, if it had been a man rather than a woman who approached me, I don't think turning him down would have bothered me. There is an old story: Women's worse fear of men is that they will kill them; men's worse fear of women is that they will laugh at them. Maybe not literally true, but ...
I often feel the same way, even more often feeling guilty that I didn’t do anything. I’ve been told the folks at the Price Chopper mall entrance make a great deal of money, and live safely. Who knows?! It can’t be easy standing out there, anywhere, begging. Difficult decisions.
They say the same of street people in NYC and I wonder, like you, if it is true and also, how much difference it actually makes. As you say, it is not an easy life.
All comments below are so thoughtful and useful. [cf book "The Gift of Fear." I wonder if I have enough of that gift, remembering the young mother who helped the couple whose car had "broken down," and they murdered her.] Also, I am put in mind of traveling in Mexico with my Spanish-speaking Hispanic father 60+ years ago. There were all kinds of people begging; also, selling lottery tickets. We marked both as a measure of real poverty but my dad was especially aware of beggar scams. I was pickpocketed in a similar situation in El Salvador 50 years ago. The world can be a harsh place and hard to discern "reality."
I want to hear about your travels and your father. there is so much we neighbors dont know about each other
We all have these thoughts so i can only let it go and keep on learning. And often really there is nothing different you could do unless the person is honest.
True, but hat can be an unreasonable ask sometimes.
As you did do would I. But I would also pray with and for her. Should I have money for a bus ride I would have given her that and explained how important it was that I use caution when I was approached.
And I would definitely make certain my doors were locked before talking with her as woman often times have a pimp nearby or another woman to take advantage of the distraction.
If you have uncertainty trust your gut and remove yourself from the situation.
Perhaps we all ought to pray for Godly wisdom and discernment in dealing with this ever increasing situation before we begin our day.
I didnt perceive it as outright dangerous, but you need to follow what makes you comfortable.
You described the uneasiness of the situation very well. The bloody bandage was too much and immediately signaled manipulation.
yes, it was a dramatic touch.
I think you have good instincts, honed through years of travel. You acted with consideration for her immediate welfare, no need to second guess yourself.
HA! I almost always second (and third) guess myself.
There’s a Zadie Smith novel in which a near identical dynamic plays out. It ends unhappily. This may not have been a ruse, but it has all the hallmarks of one. You negotiated boundaries and compassion very well. Your offers were helpful and appropriate. No need to put yourself in harm’s way. Be kind to yourself.
When you have a good heart, you have to trust your gut. Someone mentioned she probably wanted to get to her connection; or maybe she just didn't want the police possibly being involved. When you live on the edge, that is always something to be avoided.
I think that kinda made sense in retrospect, and if she had been honest, I actually might have given her the ride.
Also true is that women can feel guilty about setting a limit, far easier for men!
Very good point!
Hey, I have to say this: I think you saved yourself from harm. I've hitchhiked many times in my younger days and was involved in some very close shaves with shady people on the streets, and this woman's story absolutely did not add up. People who actually need help take what they can get. This person is trying to corner you into one very specific action. Whether it's her holding the knife/gun/taser or an accomplice / boyfriend / person controlling her and making her feel like she has no choice in this, their objective was to get her in the car with you and get you to drive that car to a specific location. Once there you would have been trapped on their terms. Terry, you were in a very real way facing possible death, and yes that voice in your head sensed the danger and might have saved your life.
Well, I didnt perceive it as that dangerous--it being Vermont, but times are changing, even here.
We create bags to hand out that contain a large flip top bottle of spring water, some nutritional bars, some hotel cosmetics and a document I created listing the services offered by Vermont Agency of Human Services ( the info is found at) https://humanservices.vermont.gov/help-and-resources It's a small thing, but I have been warmly thanked by many people when they glance at the contents.
That's a great idea. Thanks.
I have settled on away to help that was suggested by a wonderful pastor.
I have done the same thing you did. Went through all the obvious helpful options that did not offer a threat to my safety. But….but….then we are faced with the fact that we are helpless to help the helpless because of the way society is structured to reward the powerful and punish the weak.
Oh yes! and so the feeling that I could have done more.
I don't think you were likely to be harmed. I just think she needed to get to her "mother"'s house, where she could connect with whatever drug she needed. Should you enable that? This is the reality that we (and "they") live in.
Very good take. That makes sense. If she had been honest, I might just have given her a ride ... after taking and emailing her photo to someone.
You offered what you felt you could give and she turned you down. Sometimes we can’t give what someone is asking. I think you acted very responsibly, you had a limit she couldn’t accept.
That's very reasonable. Thanks.
Thanks, i think i was just looking for absolution, reinforcement. I would do the same again, I think, and would again feel conflicted about it. Interestingly, if it had been a man rather than a woman who approached me, I don't think turning him down would have bothered me. There is an old story: Women's worse fear of men is that they will kill them; men's worse fear of women is that they will laugh at them. Maybe not literally true, but ...
I commend you for caring but being sensible!
Well, and also a bit callous, but ...thanks.
I often feel the same way, even more often feeling guilty that I didn’t do anything. I’ve been told the folks at the Price Chopper mall entrance make a great deal of money, and live safely. Who knows?! It can’t be easy standing out there, anywhere, begging. Difficult decisions.
They say the same of street people in NYC and I wonder, like you, if it is true and also, how much difference it actually makes. As you say, it is not an easy life.